The Adventure of Darth and Kevin
The Adventure of Darth and Kevin is the first story from Episode One''. The story was written by Josh Henderson. Time of episode: 34:07 Story Text Hear ye, hear ye: submitted for the approval of the first episode of Fantasy Fiction, doth is the tale of Darth and Kevin, two adventurers who doth be ye old pussies be, doth. Like all adventurers, they needed to prove themselves in battle as barbarians, and in the bedroom, because I read Joseph Campbell once. Darth lived in a typical low-gold income bog where he and his mother toiled under the evil Bog King Daryl, skinning venison and using their bones as enchanted material for their enchanted swords and gift shop trinkets. Darth’s friend Kevin also lived in a bog, but was the son of the bog’s druid guardian. Kevin had little interest in pursuing the family business, but instead planned on becoming an adventurer in faraway lands where “there’s mad Jap pussy.” Finally the day came when the two boys had to set out on their quest to become men. Kevin was equipped with his father’s bone sword that never stopped playing Pantera. His father had no use for it, seeing as he was on disability for being extremely obese, and was forced to ride around on one of those supermarket jazzy power chairs, the seat of which smelled like peat moss and ass moss. Kevin wandered over to Darth’s house and knocked on his shitty door. Darth answered. “Hey, I can’t go become a man with you and fight evil because I don’t have a cool weapon.” “Just use your stepdad’s magical stave of orc taint,” Kevin replied. “I’m not asking my Mom’s husband to help me on our journey,” said Darth. “You mean your stepdad?” asked Kevin. “He’s not my fucking stepdad, he’s my mother’s husband,” Darth said angrily. “Alright, if you say so, but that’s, like, literally what that means,” said Kevin. “You’re a fucking communist,” said Darth. To this day, the issue has not been resolved. Soon the two were off on their adventure – Kevin with his totally badass boner sword, and Darth with his totally stank-ass magic stave that smelled like an army of crusty orc taints. After several tens of minutes of walking, they reached their first trial. In a clearing, they came across a poisoned oak, tainted by the jizzy spirits of the wood for over, like, a million millennia. Under this oak lay a maiden of the woods; she was tall, well versed in the dark arts, and had the sweetest ass. The heroes approached, knowing that they would be in peril if they awoke her, but they ''had to get a glimpse of her giant, bedonkalicious back-meat. As they approached, a dark chill crept over their skin, followed by a thundering roar. She had awoken. “You boys looking to pass through my murky wood?” she asked. “Yes, fair slut maiden, we wish to pass,” Darth replied. “You can’t go, because of reasons,” said the slut maiden. Finally, having enough of the petty banter, Kevin unsheathed his bone sword, and the sickest 45-minute long metal solo played. “Oh fuck,” the slut maiden exclaimed. “Sick metal music is my only weakness,” and then she twerked against the tree for 20 minutes. The boys passed through the murky wood with ease, and passed their first trial. After they were done grab-assin,’ the heroes were getting close to their final trial. The only thing standing in their way was a huge boulder field filled with orcs. “How are we going to traverse this field of shitty-ass orcs?” Darth said defeatedly. “Your staff!” Kevin said, whatever the opposite of defeatedly is. Darth held his staff upon high. The stench of a million shitty-ass orc taints filled the boulder field. Just then, orcs started to get huge boners. Being orcs, some of them had, like, double boners. The stench of orc taint being an aphrodisiac, all the orcs started just boning – like, crazy boning. Again, the two adventurers passed easily by the field of sweaty, bone-hungry orcs. The entrance to the Vulva Cave lay ahead, and so too with it, the end of their journey. Upon entering the cave, there was an overpowering musty smell; the smell of a thousand wine cellars mixed with boob sweat. The two heroes walked quietly and softly on the broken rocks of the cave floor. Soon they came to a passage where, at the end, they could see a blinding light. Carefully, they navigated through the passage; their hearts were racing with excitement at the possibility of what could lay ahead, and at what treasures could await them. Finally, they saw the end. They saw what was awaiting them, what they had quested so arduously for: at the end of the tunnel, Darth’s mom was riding Kevin’s dad’s druid wiener, on top of his jazzy-powered chair of the wolf. On that day, they became men. On that day, they became brothers. And then that one cool Atreyu song played.